Fergie here. I've decided to take over the column for this week. The topic is diet and exercise, and my mistress, although she has many other fine qualities, is not strong in these areas. I keep trying to show her the way, but if I leave it to her to interpret my message to the world on these topics, she's bound to get it wrong.
Let's start with exercise. Unlike my owner, I live to take a walk. She obliges me and comes along, but I am the real instigator. I look at her with my "puppy dog eyes", and well, you get the rest of that story. If that doesn't work and she goes a night without walking me, I have another trick. I drive her crazy, running back and forth, barking, throwing my toys at her. This is especially effective if done at bedtime. I think she mentioned my ESP before? Well, it really comes in handy here. I use it to sense the precise moment she is too sleepy to think straight, then that's when I launch my attack. This is not mean. I call it tough love. She needs those walks just as much as I do, I just happen to be more mature about it than she is. Well, actually, we are of about equal maturity, but I just plain like walking so much, and she won't let me go alone, so I have to find a way to get what I want. Believe me, the next night she will gladly grab my leash and call me to the door to avoid another session of well, let's admit it here, torture.
Now, the whole trick to a good walk is to have a goal. My goal is to go sniff everything edible and otherwise down on the dock. Fortunately for me, my owner, let's just call her MER, also loves the dock. It's about a mile and a half from where we live, so I get a full three mile walk out of the deal. MER, well she gets to sit on the dock and wait for a ferry to show up. Dullsville. But this all gets me what I want, so I play along. I jump when she calls me onto her lap. I sit still while she pets me and tells me I am a good boy. Jeez that gets old. "Are you a good boy, Fergie? Yes, you are, you are a good boy. Good boy!" Good grief is more like it. But again, I get my payoff, so I go along.
After a while, even she gets bored with the ferry pulling into the dock and we get to walk back. I walk a little slower, even though I secretly love this part. I want her to think this is a bit tough on me. That way, I'm more likely to get scratched and petted when we get home. I do like that part of her shenanigans. I guess if I'm giving lessons as she says, here's one. If there's a place on you that you cannot scratch yourself, and even I have a few, try to trick someone else into doing it for you. Try to make it pleasurable for them by giving them doggie kisses. It involves licking their hands, but don't worry, you can get them back for having to do this by licking other things they'll forget about as soon as you start to give them the doggie kisses. Don't forget to use your eyes. Big, round, and pathetic, that's my motto.
On to the subject of what to eat. My advice? Get an owner. They are much better at feeding others than they are themselves. That's my experience anyway. I get a steady diet of healthy, plain, dry, dog food. Oh and water, don't forget the water. Yippee! If people fed themselves the same way my owner feeds me, the world would be a healthier place. Maybe not a happier place, but definitely healthier. I keep trying to get this message across to MER, but she's a bit dense here. Don't get me wrong, I love her and all, but she's kind of stupid when it comes to food.
Now, about what to eat, I'm not saying that once you get an owner, you have to completely submit to them. It's good to make them think you are of course, but there are ways around it. For instance, if your owner is watching TV and puts a snack on a table that's within reach, act nonchalant. And wait until they get up to go to the bathroom. Then sneak over, but be sure to take small portions and try not to get slobber on their snack. Then listen for the flush. That's your cue to get back to where you were before they left the room. You don't have to be that careful about exact placement. Most people aren't that observant.
There's just one thing more I want you to remember. The next time MER writes a column about a lesson I've taught her, just act normal. I'll get back to you from time to time and give you the real story. And if you see her on the street or at the market, do something for me will you? Pet her on the head and say, "Good girl." But only if she's buying vegetables.
© M.E. Rollins
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