Google Me

Now I'm getting a handle on how Google works, I realize anyone searching the internet for information can be directed to my articles. I don't know whether to be flattered or terrified. I remember the first time someone said to me, "Have you Googled yourself lately?" "Excuse me", I answered. "You know, have you Googled yourself?" they said. It had never occurred to me that I could Google myself, nor had I ever wanted to. I chose not to, stuck my head in the cyber-sand, and forgot about it.
 

Googling took on another light sometime later when I was on the phone with a customer service representative. I asked her to repeat information over the phone, and losing her patience, she said, "Oh just google it!" I'd never thought of Google as a swear word before. But apparently, it is one. I had more respect for Google after that. 

One day I got an email from a very nice man from across the country who was interested in something I'd mentioned in my column. "How did he know I'd written about that?" I thought. Then I remembered what my friend had asked me about Googling myself. "Oh, Google!", I thought. "It's happened."

So I decided to do a little experiment. I picked at random a word someone might use in a Google search, the word "urn" and Googled it. Knowing I've used that word in one of my columns, I wanted to see if a link to my column would come up. What I got were 23,000,000 results. Yes, twenty-three million. That was comforting. I was pretty sure my column about urns was buried (pardon the pun) at the bottom of the list.

Then the little kid in me thought, "Google something more specific." I opened my column titled The Yearling to look for key words to Google. The Google banner ad that runs on that page is for Netflix, and before I could start reading the column, the animated ad caught my eye. It was an ad for the movie The Hangover. Remembering I'd wanted to rent that movie, I went to my Netflix queue and added it, just as the Google ad had prompted me to do. Okay, now that was spooky. I'd been Googled by the ad on my own Google page.

Google is everywhere, I thought. That made me feel all Googley, but not in a good way. I pulled myself back out of that cyber-sidetrack to the task of Googling myself. I put " The Yearling" into my Google box and and hit search. Checking the first thirty entries, none were links to my column. Then I tried part of a title. I put " Five Stages of Dating" into my Google box and hit search. Jackpot. Number nineteen out of 1,490,000. Woohoo!

By this time, I was hooked and just had to see if I could get number one. I scanned the list of columns looking for something unique. I knew my next entry had to be " Sex and the Small town". How many of those could there be? Unbelievable. It came up number five. Four ahead of me. But when you consider it was number five out of 31,600,000, number five isn't bad. But still, not number one.

I needed something more unique. There it was. " IOSA-phile" . The total numbers might be small, but by this time, all I wanted was to be number one on the list. I put it in my Google search. Yes!!! Number one! Out of 7,490. The total number of results was small, but number one is number one. Yahoo! But you've got to wonder what the other 7,489 links were about.

Being a naturally competitive person, I was excited. And curious. What else can I do with this? There's got to be something to top being number one out of 7,490. I looked at the column list. What about " Fergie Speaks"? It's somewhat unique and contains the name of a celebrity (the singer, not my Fergie yet). Jackpot again! This time, number one out of 495,000! Much better. It was confetti time.

Once I calmed down from the rush of being number one in half a million, I had to wonder what all this means. And really, I don't know what all this means. Other than creating my own private fifteen minutes of fame, I don't think any of this means much of anything. Anyone can Google themselves, and in most cases something will come up. A scary thought, the reason I didn't Google myself when it was first suggested to me.

My experiment was fun and numbed me a bit more to the inevitability of losing every scrap of privacy I, and everyone else in America has. I don't know what that means either. But one thing I'm pretty sure of, when I Google the word " Google" , this column should show up. Either that, or my computer will explode, and some days, I'm not sure that would be such a bad thing.

Well, you know I couldn't just leave it there, I had to try it, I had to Google the word " Google". And guess what, my computer did not explode. But, and this is a big but, do you know how many results you get if you Google the word " Google" ? About 2,020,000,000 results (as of today). I think that's more than all the McDonald's hamburgers sold world wide so far. Or maybe not. Scary thought, either way.

© M.E. Rollins